| Debating society - Every Thursday lunch time in upper school, M23. |
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| Physics department reveals it has no idea where it is located, but knows exactly how fast it's travelling. |
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| Christian Union - Every Thursday lunch time in upper school, chapel. |
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| Marbles lost. Please contact Mrs Allard if found. |
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| Book burners club. Situated between the book club and arsonists club. |
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| The Westminster Youth Choir - An outside school organisation for anyone who lives or attends school within the borough of Westminster. Held every Thursday at St. Barnabus' Primary school for ages 11-18, 6.30pm to 7.30pm. Please contact Vienna for further details. |
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| Do YOU need money and fast? Will the Grey Coat Mafia break YOUR legs if you can't come up with the payments by monday? Are YOU a destructive alcoholic who hurts everyone they come into contact with? Teach economics! Part and full time openings available today. |
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| For sale: four A-levels, barely used, in mint condition. Goes well with a nice set of GCSE's, and is a perfect start to your collection of qualifications. |
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| Join the cation enthusiasts club! We're POSITIVE you'll be attracted, no matter how NEGATIVE you are! |
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| Fencing - Year 10-13. Every friday, 4 o'clock. Professional trainer from outside school. Equipment supplied. Must pay termly for to Miss Heiskanen. |
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| For sale: contract on the future of countless children. All offers considered. |
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| Geography department temperature is set to rise by up to three degrees centigrade in the next twenty minutes. |
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| The Hat Stand - Week by week, this delightful magazine builds into a fabulous collection of school diplomas, ranging from design technology to astrophysics! Issue one comes with a GCSE in food tech, and is available in all good stores priced just 99p (normal price three years and four thousand pounds). |
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| Join the Avogadro fan club! - 6.022x10^23 of us and counting! |
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| Once a month Mr Stephenson asks children who need help with their mathematics to join him in the school dungeon for 'extra tuition'. He asks especially that the pupils who attend are bad at running and on the podgy side. Next session at full moon. |
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